A little insight into my personal weight struggles...it is SUPER long. Warning

I have dealt with the hatred of my body as long as I can remember.

I was a small little girl equipped with a belly that only resembled that of an ethiopian child...the ones with the swollen bellies...yeah...I was called pregnant in 2nd grade by a shmuck who is fat as hell now...but that is besides the point...I also had little chunky legs which my ex step mother refered to me as cottage cheese butt before I was 8.

I have for 15 years now, worn shorts to the beach, because I truly believe that the sight of my thighs will make the mobs of seagulls die in mid air, make the dolphins try to find a way to drown themselves, and scare all little children.

I didn't begin severe dieting until I was a freshman in high school. I was on the tennis team, and at a really decent weight...and all of a sudden I started gaining weight in my face and lower body...I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome and endometriosis, two issues that basically attack your reproductive organs...and, unfortunately, they cause weight gain and hormonal challenges. A solution to keep them at bay, I was put on non-stop birth control at a high dose...which as most of us know, most birth control causes weight gain as well...I blew up...And it made me sick to look at myself.

I started south beach diet with my mother that year...she knew it was really hurting me to feel like working out and eating right still wasnt making the weight disappear...I lost 12 lbs in the first two weeks or so of south beach...and that was the beginning of my track record of diets. As the years went by I would go in spurts of diets and gym, and I knew how to effectively drop a significant amount quickly...but then a few months go by, summertime, parties, drinking, dinner dates with girlfriends and getting ice cream with the boyfriends, etc...the weight was back on...The most I ever got to was that freshman year...162 lbs. But 150-155 has been pretty consistent for years...

That just didn't work for me...I always felt so fat and ugly. I had gone through a break up the Christmas after I graduated highschool...I was beginning to like how I looked...I was a cosmetologist with a tanning addiction so my hair and makeup and nails were always on point and I was always nice and tan. I watched what I ate, worked out...and now, being newly single, all of you girls can attest to this...when we are back on the market, we make DAMN SURE we look DAMN GOOD! And I did.

Then I met a man that I fell in love with. A man who's toxicity was enough to kill me...or at least try. A man who only reaffirmed that I was not only fat, but the fattest girl he had ever been with...but hey, I had a pretty face.

I was always a really smart girl, and my mother raised me better than to stay with someone who degraded me...but, I was kind of broken. I was still grieving my best friend being killed a few months prior...I was sucked in. That is when my life began to spiral. I started taking diet pills, by following the directions on the bottle...Then I began eating diet pills, between 10-15 a day. I was literally killing my heart and liver day to day because I needed the weight off of me, and immediately. I had also discovered that if I blew pain killers up my nose I wouldn't want to eat as much...I was drinking every night at this point after my shifts at the restaurant, so I would save all of my calories for my booze..

I remember the first night I did the unthinkable like it was yesterday though. I was at my best friends boyfriend's house waiting to go out...someone made popcorn in the house...and I had about a handful. I hadn't eaten in about two days and I was starving. The second her bf left the house to run to the store...I went in the bathroom, and vomitted. January 2007...I had lost all control of my feelings and emotions...but I had control of my weight. I had the control of making myself get sick...and I thrived off of it...It had gotten to the point though that everytime my man belittled me, I would go puke up all the booze I drank or food I ate...wash my mouth out...fix my eyeliner...and walk out like nothing had happened...but I felt better. I made myself sick until one day my mother must ave found it odd that my toilet was flushing while the sink and shower were running, and walked in and caught me. My mom has never hurt me, but she is fuckin scary when she is upset, and I stopped immediately...for a little while..

A few months later, still in the toxic relationship, cocaine came around. Hell of a drug? Yeah..Hell of a diet tool? Sure was. I would do blow and not eat for three days..and then sleep for an entire day and not eat...

I got clean from drugs and was sober for a long time to fix myself, and obviously that relationship ended...and even through battling drug abuse and his physical and emotional abuse which I also faced...I still struggled...with the weight.

My tools to stay away from alcohol and drugs were fresca zero calorie sodas, ghiradelli dark chocolate squares, and cigarettes. I ate a south beach diet bar in the morning, and a salad at night...but I developed a new addiction. Slim tea. A laxative tea derived from natural ingredients.

A salad and meal bar were barely 350 calories a day...and the slim tea...one tea bag, was supposed to steep in hot water for about 15 seconds...I would take 2-3 bags, and leave it steeping for hours...and then I would chug the tea...I went from 156 lbs when I got clean to 146 in about 2-3 weeks. Bc I was literally ...you know....my brains out.

There was even a time that a roomie and i had a fridge stocked with a box of wine, a pitcher of hydroxycut water, and a pitcher on slim tea...I had dropped about 13 lbs in two weeks and was going through a bottle of hydroxycut a week.. until one night I went to puke up a salad and saw that my puke was black, from blood. I stopped.
I got healthy again...put on a few lbs...lost a few...gained a few...then met my ex that I lived with. He had a stunningly good looking physique...his abs had abs...and as much as he adored me and how I looked...when I met him...immediately I went straight to thinking, omg, he is totally gonna find a skinnier chick...my cool hair, good makeup, and tattoos can only get me so far...I mean...I know I had a great ass...but in my head the ass that the guys like is connected to the thunder thighs that I loathe..I stopped eating...a lot. And started working out...a lot. I was getting slimmer and I felt sexier...I found a place I could purchase ephedra...yup...ya know, the stuff that kills people and is illegal in the US? Yeah...I started popping those babies like mentos...Mainly to prepare for my big night...my 21st birthday...He and I still weren't official and I wanted to be the hottest thing he had ever seen that night...I dropped down to 142 lbs from 155 in under 2 weeks...Bc I was only consuming half of a fiber one bar, a 16 oz iced coffee, 2 gallons of water and 4 ephedra or more a day...I do recall sneaking a child size onion ring order at burger king and puking that up....and the day before my birthday getting the new volcano nachos from taco bell...have you ever felt fire come out of your nose? I did, while vomitting ever bit back up...I was sick. Until he and I moved in together...

He knew I had an issue, and made damn sure I was going to work out and eat right and NOT make myself sick...He was great at motivating me...until one day I had to suck up all of my pride and face the embarassment of saying, Babe...I cannot go to the bathroom...and haven't in 5 days. My insides were so destroyed from the dieting and pills and vomitting that a 21 year old girl couldn't even go #2...If you are a man reading this, disregard that line...girls don't poop. He was the sweetest. He went right to the store and bought 3 different types of laxatives. At this point my lower body was swelling up like I was pregnant so I was willing to try anything..Unfortunately...I was working a lot more, home a lot less, and unable to work out as much as I wanted...and, well, living with a man who consumes 4000 calories a day and always wants u to eat WITH him, eating dinner at 9 or 10 at night just packs on lbs...However...I discovered that I could drink milk of magnesia by the pints and lose 5-8 lbs a week...and he would never know...bc as long as I wasnt puking, he would never suspect anything. I was unhappy with a lot of things and found that at the peaks of my depression, that is when my weight problems would snowball.

He and I split for various reasons...and I moved. It was summer time now. Parties, bbqs, work, play.....all kinds of things were happening...but one thing was certain...I was full blown bulimic. I was vomitting 3-4 times a day...every day...Or just not eating. There was one week that summer I ran every day and ate one handful of craisins and drank coke zero everyday. And lost a bunch of weight.

The worst part of it all...it wasnt to look good for a man...bc I knew there were men who really thought I was beautiful...who really liked me...who thought I looked great. It was my own unhappiness with so many things surfacing and revolving around my #1 issue with myself...I hated how I looked.

It got to the point that my close friends knew part of the reason I needed to move to florida...was to get healthy...To stop making myself get sick. It wasn't until last february after a car accident that probably shouldve taken my life...that I got some ridiculously strong motivation. Once able to walk again I was in that gym at 5:30 am every morning and 4 pm every night at least 4 days a week...I was eating all day long because I was literally like those guys you see in the gym 4 hrs a day with gallons of water and weight lifting gloves...I was THAT person. and I fucking loved it. i only got down to 147 lbs but I was all muscle. I was lean. I felt like the most beautiful girl.

I got into a relationship with a guy who lived 45 mins away...and between working, taking care of 3 dogs and a house, and trying to see him all the time...the gym time slipped away...I even did the HCG diet...where you consume 300 calories and taking hormone drops everday...it stunned my body to the point I gave myself pleuracy and was on bed rest two days...and kept going until I lost 11 lbs in a week......BUT...wed go out...and I loved margaritas...not a skinny girl drink...wed eat at 3 am downtown, or splurge on a nice dinner at hibatchi equipped with a billion calories...and then work got stressful...my relationship w family got stressful...I started losing my hair from stress...gaining a ton of weight back...and..ended up moving back up north to be closer to my mother in september...with the worst eating disorder I have ever had. I was vomitting everyday after work..eating laxatives..drinking milk of magnesia...and eating just enough that I didn't pass out at work so I could drop the weight to fit into my bridesmaid dress for my sisters wedding...which I did. 156 down to 147..

I made a promise to myself this past december...that I was going to cut the shit...and stop once and for all. This was no different than a drug. I told a select few people close to me what I was going through because I was going to gain weight while my body adjusted to the healthier change...and it was going to make me feel terrible.

The first month was the worst. It took every ounce of me to not cry everytime I stepped on the scale...I was getting larger by the day...and eating as healthy as possible...I am a freakin vegetarian who has always gone with sugar free and low fat choices, fresh foods, no soda, no juices, no desserts...etc...I didn't understand why I was so frigen big.

Just from eliminating the laxatives and vomitting from my everyday life...I went from 147 to 160 lbs. And then it happened. January 19th I had to go to the hospital for a cyst that was bleeding into my stomach and pelvis area. I was bloated and swollen, and then in the ER being pumped with fluids...a few days after the hospital i stepped onto the scale...168 lbs. I am not sure how much was still bloat from the cyst...but I was mortified. By Valentines Day, with exercise and diet, I was 163...and now...as of tonight...I am ecstatic report I am 155 lbs. Ecstatic because every single day it is a battle to stay healthy and still reach my goals.

I have told you an awful lot...and you can judge me, or ridicule me...or hey maybe I inspire you...to fight a fight you have been struggling with. I choose to inspire myself until I am at the goal weight with the goal body I have always wanted...THE RIGHT WAY.

I have always took pride in the fact that I help people, I am honest with people, I listen to people, I care about people. I make you laugh, I make you feel like you can achieve things. I have blogged for years now with the #1 priority being, put a smile on one person's face. Change someone's bad day to a better day. I told you all this bc I have the tools to not only document my progress and share a couple good recipes and tips for you to try...but to be motivation, inspiration, and determination for anyone else struggling with their weight...or hell...maybe just their own mind.

I wore a size 7 jeans on my 21st birthday. I have that same pair of jeans in my drawer. I am a size 10 right now, and they are a little baggy on me...normally a size 9 all the time....My FIRST goal that I will document the second it happens...is fitting into those size 7's.

Love you all.